Redefining What ‘Holiday Magic’ Looks Like
It’s officially the season for joy and cheer! Normally, by now I would be stressed thinking of all the traditions and things that I want to do with my family, but this year I’m choosing to do the season differently.
Living with chronic illness means that sometimes you can’t show up and/or participate in things in the ways that you would like to. For example, it may mean no ice skating because you lack the energy to stand up, or no gingerbread house building because your hands have swollen, etc. For me, it looks like having to take a longer time decorating the tree because my week-long migraine has depleted my energy, finding more accessible ways to do the cookie making (like using a mixer and a special cookie scoop instead of doing it by hand), and adding more “downtime” into the Christmas festivities to rest. All of that is a HUGE change for me compared to previous years. With these positive changes have come some bigger feelings of frustration and guilt. Feeling like you cannot give your family the same experiences as you see other families of moms who can “do it all” can make you feel less than because, for a lot of us, that scenario is unattainable.
In this guide, we will explore different Christmas traditions that are not only fun but also accessible and will allow you to celebrate the holidays within your capacity, instead of pushing yourself to the limit.
Letting Go of the “Everything Christmas Mom” Standard
When I think of Christmas, I think of my own mom. She truly brought magic to the season. She took us to buy the big tree, made sure we had everything to decorate it to our liking, bought and wrapped the gifts, and took us to fun Christmas events. For years, I had a front row seat to what I thought was the greatest show, never realizing how much time, energy, and work it took to do all those things.
I always hoped that when I became a mom, I would be able to give my child the same magic that my mom gave me, and sometimes it hurts to know that I can’t do it in the same way. My body won’t allow me to do certain things, and I get tired faster and can’t do as many tasks as I may want to. At times it’s frustrating, and I’m comparing myself to others in my head, but I’ve been told by many that “comparison is the thief of joy”, therefore I try not to focus so much on what I can’t do and focus on what I can.
Although it can be difficult when your body is making decisions for you to slow down, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Slowing down makes it easier to have a more simplified holiday because you can only do the most important things on the list, and it may allow you to be more present for the beauty of time spent with your family and friends. Slowing down isn’t letting your family down; it’s putting them and what’s important to you first. Our traditions need to be flexible, not fixed (ex. I love real trees but don’t always have the energy to go get one/clean up after one, therefore we decided to rotate a fake tree when needed!) to help alleviate stress and bring out more joy.
How to Assess Your Capacity Before the Holidays Begin
Before any big holiday, you need to ask yourself some questions to evaluate how you are feeling and what tasks and events you may be willing to participate in for that holiday season. Here is a list of a few simple self-check questions you may ask yourself to get started:
- What drains me the most during this holiday?
- What genuinely fills me back up?
- What are some realistic tasks that others can do?
- What expectations am I holding on to that no one asked of me?
Asking yourself these questions will make planning around your energy levels, flares, and the support you have easier.
Accessible Christmas Traditions That Still Feel Magical
Sometimes the traditions we are used to don’t work for the new chronically ill bodies that we have. To find the holiday magic, we might have to come up with new traditions and ways of bringing everyone together. Below, I created a list filled with different accessible activities that encourage togetherness and fun at the holidays:
A. Low Energy Traditions
- Reading “holiday” books or stories as a family
- Hot Cocoa and Movie night
- Letting kids decorate a small tree or tabletop tree
- Creating a “Christmas Cozy Corner” with blankets and pillows
- Listening to holiday playlists together
B. “Sit Down” creative Traditions
- Sticker, Coloring or Painting ornaments crafts
- Decorating pre-made cookies
- Making family gratitude or memory cards
- Scrapbook-style “Christmas” memory page each year
C. Outsourced or Simplified Traditions
- Buying pre-decorated gingerbread house
- Ordering the big holiday meal or sides
- Swapping homemade gifts for digital photo gifts
- Letting other people (grandparents or friends) host if possible/preferred
D. Outdoor / Activity Traditions (Energy-Optional)
- Driving around to See Christmas Lights
- One “Big” outing instead of multiple small ones
- Attending a short outdoor event rather than all-day activities
Creating Boundaries Without Holiday Shame
If you are unable to join every holiday event you get invited to, please know that it doesn’t mean that you are a selfish person. It means you are protecting the little energy you do have. It’s important to know your boundaries and not let shame and guilt dictate what your limits are. Below are examples of scripts for saying no to events or traditions that overwhelm you:
- “We’re keeping things simple this year, but we’d love to…”
- “My energy is limited, so I’ll join for the first hour”
By protecting your energy, you are taking care of yourself and ensuring that you are spending what limited reserves you may have where they belong- on your family.
Letting Others Help Create the Magic
Santa has his elves — and when you aren’t feeling your best, it may help to find a few of your own. Accepting help during the holidays can feel uncomfortable, but it can also relieve stress and free up energy for the parts of the season you actually want to enjoy. Decorating, gift wrapping, and shopping are all tasks that your personal “elves” could assist with.
This is also a great way to involve kids in holiday prep. Their responsibilities may look different depending on their age, but the lesson stays the same: the holidays aren’t about creating the “perfect” celebration. They’re about connection, shared moments, and letting each person contribute in a way that feels good.
Reforming Success: What Really Matters
As I’ve gotten older, my mom has shared with me just how hard some of those “magical” holidays were for her. It was then that I realized what children actually remember about the holidays. Children may not remember what toy you got them or what they ate at dinner, but like me, they do remember the time you spent with them. Making and decorating cookies, watching holiday movies, cuddling on the couch, driving around to see Christmas lights-that’s the stuff that they remember, and those are the traditions that they will take with them into adulthood. We don’t need to try to DO more; we just need to be present, Connection is what kids remember, not perfection.
Permission to celebrate your way
Even if your holiday looks different, it’s still worthy of all the praise. As we all move forward into the last weeks of the holiday season, try to pick one accessible tradition to try this year. I hope we can all have fun and let go of the shame that comes with having a chronic illness enough to truly enjoy every moment. I deserve that and so do you. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!