Looking Back on My Year with Chronic Illness and Motherhood: What I Learned 

 

A Year in Review 

This past year has been a doozy. Using the word hard to describe it feels inadequate. I was positive for most of last year that I would be able to overcome the mental challenges I was facing with being in constant pain, my constant worry and anxiety, and my depressive episodes, but, instead of going away, some of that got worse. When every decision you make for your health seems like you’re choosing between two dire situations, anxiety starts to creep in. Depression sneaks up on you in the moments of extreme pain, forcing you to ask yourself, “Is this how I’ll always feel?” Spiraling is the best term I have for what it feels like I’ve been doing on any given day.  Panic attacks, crying, and the near constant cycle of grief and frustration have been ever-present. The physical aspects of my chronic illness have at times been the worst part of my experience.  When your body won’t move in the ways you need it to, everything feels 10 times harder to accomplish. Migraines alone can debilitate me so badly that I have to stay in bed.  

My home life has been a steady combination of challenges and constraints. I’m lucky that my home is the safest place to just “be” and rest, which provides a small amount of relief.  The chaos I’ve faced has been because I have no idea what the next day will bring. I’m either functioning or I’m not, and there hasn’t been any in between. Irritability and exhaustion have gotten the better of me more times than I can count, making me feel like a failure as a wife, mother, and person. In reviewing my year, I was surprised by just how much effort it took to be present. I didn’t know until this year how much strength it takes to keep showing up. The lessons I learned didn’t stop there, While I learned so much, I will share just a few below: 

Lesson #1: The body sets the pace (and that’s not failure) 

At the beginning of 2025, my mindset was different from what it is now. There was a big focus on trying to do more. I had multiple lists of things I wanted to do, for example, consistently cooking for my family every week, staying on top of the housework, having consistent “learning” days with my son, and working on my mental health. I was going to get my migraines under control and go to the doctors for my yearly visits. The reality of this last year has been so different. Doing “more” hasn’t been in the cards for me. There have been days when I barely functioned, so just getting out of bed for a moment was a huge accomplishment. I’ve had to learn how to adjust my plans and do things differently, say no to people, and to different situations. I’ve also started to learn how to slow down and begin adjusting to a slower rhythm. I realized that since I shifted my focus into doing “enough” in those tough moments, it has helped me to bypass my usual large flare-ups and the worst of my depressive episodes. I’ve learned that listening to my body and trying to follow its cues can make a world of difference to my everyday life. 

 
Lesson #2: Tiny wins count as real progress 

Towards the end of this last year, I really tried to shift my mindset from “what I could get done in a day” to “what my body was capable of doing” on that day. I stopped only counting it as a win if I could get everything on my to-do list done. I started counting things as successful if, for example, I got out of bed and got my child off to school, asked someone for help when I struggled to get through the day, and/or got myself dressed and fed at some point that day. Every small win started to add up to a greater sense of accomplishment. 

Lesson #3: Finding New ways of Living with Guilt 

My battle with guilt in the past year has been one for the record books. It’s hard for me when I feel like I am not the person that the people around me need. Constantly having moments when I am unable to play/do activities with my child, attend family events, or do things I enjoy drains me. It allowed the grief to come in full force, and I had to start trying different ways to cope with it before the guilt ate me alive. One of the best and most powerful tools I learned to use is honesty. Honesty can really be the “best” policy. I’m honest with my loved ones about how I’m feeling and what I can do that day. In using that tool, I’ve been able to slowly lessen the guilt I feel because it allows everyone I love to know the score upfront. It’s gone a long way in helping with the frustrations and upset that come from trying to navigate chronic illness and family dynamics. 

Lesson #4: Kids Remember connection not perfection 

Right before Christmas, my son had a Holiday performance, and everything I had worried about started to happen. I woke up feeling terrible, had a migraine so bad I was nauseous, and was in pain everywhere. There was no way I was going to miss this performance, but I was worried he would see me and be disappointed because I didn’t feel like I looked my best, and I had to wear comfortable clothes instead of dressing up to make my body as comfortable as I could while watching his performance. To my surprise, when he saw me in the crowd, his entire face lit up. He was happy to see his mom and the rest of the family. It was then that I realized that kids are so different from the rest of us. The most important thing to them is your presence- that’s what they remember the most. They don’t remember perfection, but they do remember who showed up for them.  

It’s been a relief to let go of the idealized perfection I associated with motherhood. I feel less pressure and a lot more love and acceptance on this path. 

Lesson #5: Grief is a quiet companion, and that’s okay 

Grief had been tough to deal with at times this past year. It was with me in almost every moment I had. I felt the grief over my loss of energy, of control, and of the life I thought I was going to have. My identity is completely different from when I started my chronic illness journey. In some ways, I am grateful for the grief; it allowed me to reframe some of the hardest parts of my life. Yes, I had been angry and frustrated by my body’s constant fatigue and at the loss of who I thought I was, but it has been such a blessing to be able to get to know myself again, as I am now, and to really focus on being present with my family. I learned that experiencing grief while struggling with a multitude of things does not mean that I am regressing into old patterns; it is the natural ebb and flo. 

Lesson #6: Community makes surviving possible 

There is no way I would have made it through the past year without my support system. My small community of people has shown up for me in big and small ways. I received a lot of help from my husband, mom, friends, and extended family members. They did things like watch my son, take him to school, help me around the house, and sometimes helped me cook meals. It has not been the easiest to accept help without feeling bad, but I am looking forward to getting better at it. 

Lesson #7: Your Voice Matters 

The most important lesson I have learned this year is that sharing my experience matters. My voice and my struggles matter. I matter, just as I am. As soon as I started writing, putting pen to paper, and eventually my words on this screen, my body calmed for a moment. It had been so long since I had an experience like that. It has also been cathartic, fun, and something just for me. I think my true healing had not started until the good, the bad, and the ugly of my journey so far were fully expressed. 

A look Ahead- No grand Promises 

In the new year, I’m most looking forward to exploring these new sides of myself that I’ve discovered. I am not interested in trying to force myself to make promises about New Year’s resolutions. I simply want to be the best person that I can, while also not forcing myself to meet unattainable goals. I want to carry the lessons of being honest about where I am/what I can do and pace myself accordingly, into the new year, and am looking forward to seeing what this newer version of my life will look like in this new year. 

From my heart to yours 

If I can get one message across for the new year, it is this: remember you are not alone. Being a mom, a person, a wife can feel hard and lonely at times on its own and adding chronic illness to the mix makes everything so much harder. Remember that Illness doesn’t erase or define your motherhood, but it can help shape it into something you may not have imagined.   

From my heart to yours 

If I can get one message across for the new year, it is this: remember you are not alone. Being a mom, a person, a wife can feel hard and lonely at times on its own and adding chronic illness to the mix makes everything so much harder. Remember that Illness doesn’t erase or define your motherhood, but it can help shape it into something you may not have imagined.