Guilt for me is one of the worst secondary side effects of being chronically ill. It’s with me when I don’t make it to an event, cancel plans with friends, or can’t play with my son. It eats at me when I have to call off work, don’t get housework done, or am unable to help the people I love in the ways I want to. It feels wrong, like I’m failing, and at times it has destroyed my mental health.
Now that I’m on this path of healing and learning, I want to explore why guilt shows up and how to move through it with compassion.
The Unseen Pressure
In this life, we all face so much pressure that society places on us. As a woman, a wife, and a mother, I am expected to do all things. Clean, cook, take care of the children, and work outside the home (if that fits my family’s needs). I’m supposed to be selfless and giving, available and accessible all the time, and I need to do it all while being “strong”. The thing is, Chronic Illness doesn’t care about society’s expectations; it doesn’t even care about the personal expectations that I created for myself. Instead, it has forced me to be the things I feared the most: unavailable, more delicate, and more limited as a whole, basically my own personal nightmare.
There have been so many moments when what I wanted to do clashed with how I was feeling or with the limitations I have. For example, I had a friend’s birthday party that I really needed to attend, even though I was feeling horrible. I thought that if I could take a quick nap, I would gain a little more energy and possibly feel a little better. Imagine the guilt I felt when I woke up at 1 am, having missed the party completely. I felt like the worst person on earth. That was also the moment when the intrusive thoughts began, whispering ‘You’re a horrible friend’ and ‘How weak are you?’ and when the guilt came in full force.”
Where the Guilt comes from
When dealing with any Chronic Illness, I believe that the guilt stems from not being allowed to be the version of yourself that you see in your mind. I have always used bullet points to list the goals I want to accomplish and the dates by which I want to accomplish them. Illness blew up my lists and that version of myself along with it. I didn’t have goals anymore; I was trying to survive. The guilt you’re left with when you can’t keep up with everyday tasks, are unable to keep plans, need rest…etc can feel crushing. The guilt mixes with our pre-determined internal beliefs about our worth and productivity, creating unhealthy thought patterns that need to be disrupted.
I think the guilt shows up because we know it can be exhausting to be in a relationship with someone who rarely feels like the ‘best’ version of themselves. We simply can’t always be that person. And when we try to talk honestly about what we’re going through, it’s often seen as complaining—so we bottle it up to avoid feeling like even more of a burden. Somewhere in all of that, guilt squeezes itself onto an already overcrowded train of emotions.
The Truth about Guilt
Although the guilt can feel all-consuming, the truth is that no matter what, your limitations don’t diminish your value. Not being able to do household chores does not make you worthless. There is still so much to admire and respect about you!
I have worried so much about how my son is being affected by the things I can’t do, but the truth is, the only things kids really remember is connection. Whether it’s watching a movie, talking, coloring, or just resting together, it counts. We don’t give kids enough credit; what we see as our limitations is not what they see. They are learning empathy, self-care, and perseverance from us, and that’s something to be proud of.
Guilt tries to rob us of so much, but always remember that true strength can look different and that sometimes we have to find our way to it with limitations in tow.
Practical ways to navigate Guilt
I’m still trying to figure out how to navigate guilt. Some things that have helped me are:
- Naming the Guilt: When guilt comes up, if I’m able, I say out loud what I believe I’m feeling guilty about, even if it’s just to myself.
- Challenge the guilt: This part is really hard. I’m still learning how to do it, but I hope it’s something that becomes easier for me.
- Create Realistic Expectations: I’m not going to stop feeling guilt overnight, so I’ve changed my expectations. Now, I simply expect that my guilt won’t leave me stuck in paralysis all day.
If these tools don’t work, or you need a quick reset when guilt hits, try a 60-second breathing exercise to recenter yourself. You can also try reframing the negative story your brain is creating.
Remember, don’t let Guilt take away your happiness, strength, and accomplishments.