Hello there!
It’s been a while. I haven’t written in such a long time and to be perfectly honest, things have been tough. These migraines have been ravaging my body. I’ve thought about writing, but I’ve been so wracked with pain that I haven’t been able to pick up a pen or type out words on a keyboard most days. Although I’m not necessarily in the worst place I’ve ever been, this is definitely not the best. I don’t feel positive, instead I’ve been feeling angry, frustrated and just plain exhausted. The reality is my body is screaming and begging for help that I alone can’t give it and that feels like I’m failing myself somehow. I’ve done so much work in therapy over the years fighting against this notion of failure, and yet it still finds a way to show up when I least expect it.
That failure word does something to my brain. It allows for traps to be set (especially when I don’t feel good) that are easy to fall into. Little tricks and mind games my brain likes to play with me where it says things like “you aren’t doing enough” and “you should be embarrassed of where you are in life right now”. Every negative thing big or small comes to the forefront, making feeling better seem like an impossibility.
Due to all my hard work in therapy, I know that when things get really bad in my head, sometimes it’s better if I shift my focus for a while by finding simple tasks or exercises I can accomplish daily to give myself a small sense of accomplishment. Right now, my focus is on trying to learn about what my body needs to be able to function at a base level. For example, I’ve been doing tasks like making myself smoothies for when I don’t feel like eating, doing stretching exercises to relieve tension and pain in my body and, leaning into resting when I don’t feel well instead of pushing through all the time.
Even while doing these simple things, I still find myself struggling at times. I still don’t feel well, am in a lot of pain and I’m unsure of what else I can do in these moments to help myself besides taking a massive amount of medications that makes me feel uncomfortable. But there is light at the end of the tunnel in the form of a doctor’s appointment.
Surprisingly, I’m looking forward to the appointment I have coming up later this month with my neurologist. Normally I would be feeling a lot of anxiety by now because going to the doctor inherently makes me a bundle of nerves but, instead, all I feel is this weird mix of frustration, anxiousness and albeit a little hope. I really want to get some much-needed answers and help so I’m looking forward to the conversation for once. I’m hopeful that from this appointment positive changes can be made, and I can get parts of my life back. I can get back to writing consistently, be more present with my family and, can get back to doing the things I like to do. But much like with every illness I’ve battled, I keep reminding myself that I shouldn’t hope for too much. The doctor may not be able to fix me, cure me or completely take my pain away, and I need to somehow prepare myself for that eventuality too.
Being in this space feels so heavy but there is truly no other choice but to walk through it. So, walk through it, I will! In the meantime, my writing going forward may look different, and it may come at a slower pace while I’m finding different ways and modes of writing (i.e. Voice to texting when typing is too much) which opens up more opportunities for me. So, here’s to trying to figure out what comes next.